Father’s Day Jokes

Father’s Day Jokeshere are the father’s day jokesyou can choose any fathe's day jokes from the following.just go for these jokes - say jokes to your father which will bring the great million dollar smile in your father's face for sure.
Dad will never sayTop Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever heasks.3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.Fathers then & nowToday is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.Today, it's the size of his minivan.In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.Today, he'll get a digital organizer.In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.Helping your fatherA clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off."You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand.""No thanks," said the young man."My father wouldn't like it.""Don't be silly," the minister said."Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece ofmy mind!""Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."Your father is drunkTo The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To TownSnowmanOh you better not shout, you better not cry,You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why,Daddy's home and I think he's drunk.He's walkin' real slow, he slurs when he speaks,I don't even think he's shaved in two weeks,Daddy's home and boy is he drunk,He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker BlackAnd then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track.Sooooooo....You better not pout, you better not cry,I don't like that look in his eye,Daddy's home and I think he's....Daddy's home and boy is he.......Daddy's home and he's really drunk!What is his occupation?A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor.""That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman.""Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what hisson had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"Head goes to the barA man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him aswell as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! Atorso pops out!The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By nowthe boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into thestreet, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."A student's request for extra moneyA student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?""Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well howmuch did you give the boy this time?""Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000.""That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???""Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"Just cut your hair firstA young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car."Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and theyard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."An honest lawyerAn independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewingyoung lawyers."As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are youan 'honest' lawyer?""Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minuteI tried my very first case.""Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."Subjects for a dateA boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there issilence once again.The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"Brag about parentsAn Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat."My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?""Yes," said the Navy brat."My dad has built them."Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?""Yes.""It's my dad who's killed it!"Child sent to bedA small boy is sent to bed by his father...[Five minutes later]"Da-ad...""What?""I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?""No. You had your chance. Lights out."[Five minutes later]"Da-aaaad...""WHAT?""I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??""I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"[Five minutes later]"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD...""WHAT??!!""When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"New family driverMartin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headsfor the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver."I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father."Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."A parent's terrors of lifeDear Mother and Dad:It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but beforeyou read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay?Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty wellhealed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He alsovisited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kindof cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender careyou gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelesslycaught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know you expressedtolerence will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that hisfather is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am notengaged, I do not have syphillis and there is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.Your loving daughter,DorothyMarriage quotes 02Married life is full of excitement and frustration:* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!I Could Use a Little MoneyDear Father,$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would loveto hear from you.Love,Your $on.After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.Dear Son,I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never studyeNOugh.Love,DadWriting letters to sonThe following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."My Dad thinks he wears the trousers in our house, but it's always Mum who tells him which pair to put on!* I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.* Do fathers always snore? No - only when they are asleep!* One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.* If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who's Everything?* After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of thepoorest preachers we've ever had."A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. Itwas addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:Dear Dad,It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is sonice even with all her piercing, tattoos and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for heras she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with herfriends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want! In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!Don't worry Dad. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.Your son,BenjaminP. S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you!Call when it is safe for me to come home.One evening, while sitting around the dinner table, a little girl looked up and asked her father, "Daddy, you're the boss, right?" Her father was very pleased by this and replied, "Yes." Then, the little girlcontinued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"Top Ten Things You Will Never Hear A Dad Say :- Well, what do you know? I'm lost. We'll have to stop and get some directions.- Well, honey, you are thirteen now. I bet you're ready for un-chaperoned car dates!- I like all of your friends' "Up Yours" attitudes.- Here are the keys to my new car. Oh, take my credit card, too. Have fun!- Football? You want to play football? What about figure skating, son?- Mom and I are going away for the weekend. Would you like to throw a party?- No, I don't actually know what is wrong with your car.- Son, let's go to the mall and get you an earring.- You don't need a job! I have plenty of money for you to spend.- Father's Day? Don't worry about that. It's no big deal!Junior had just received his brand new driver's license. To celebrate the special day, the whole family went out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his first official drive. Dad went immediatelyto the back seat, right behind the newly licensed driver."I'll bet you are back there to get a change of scenery, right? After all these months of sitting up here, teaching me how to drive?" Junior said to his dad."Nope!" said dad. "I'm going to sit back here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me for sixteen years!"Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks?In case they get a hole in one!What do you call two people who embarrass you in front of your friends?Mum and Dad!My Dad thinks he wears the trousers in our house, but it's always Mum who tells him which pair to put on!Knock knockWho's there?CanoeCanoe who?Canoe help me with my homework please Dad - I'm stuck!To be a successful father, there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.The thing to remember about fathers is... they're men. A girl has to keep it in mind: They are dragon-seekers, bent on improbable rescues. Scratch any father, you find someone chock-full of qualmsand romantic terrors, believing change is a threat, like your first shoes with heels on, like your first bicycle...If the relationship of father to son could really be reduced to biology, the whole earth would blaze with the glory of fathers and sons.My father hated radio and he could not wait for television to be invented so that he could hate that too.Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.Today nearly 100 years have elapsed since the first father's Day was celebrated. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages: In 1900,fathers prayed their children would learn English.Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.Today, it's the size of his minivan.In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set theVCR.In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on throat cancer.In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for baseball practice."In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."Daddy, Daddy, can I have another glass of water please?""But I've given you 10 glasses of water already!""Yes, but the bedroom is still on fire!"What did the father ghost say to the naughty baby ghost?Spook when you're spooken to!Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks?In case they get a hole in one!How many ears did Davy Crockett have?Three: a left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier! Family LoopMany, many years agoWhen I was twenty three,I got married to a widow,Pretty as could be.This widow had a grown-up daughterWith flowing hair of red.My father fell in love with her,And soon the two were wed.This made my dad my son-in-lawAnd changed my very life.Now my daughter was my mother,For she was my father's wife.To complicate the matters worse,Although it brought me joy.I soon became the fatherOf a bouncing baby boy.My little baby then becameA brother-in-law to dad.And so became my uncle,Though it made me very sad.For if he was my uncle,Then that also made him brotherTo the widow's grown-up-daughterWho, of course, was my step-mother.Father's wife then had a son,Who kept them on the run.And he became my grandson,For he was my daughter's son.My wife is now my mother's motherAnd it makes me blue.Because, although she is my wife,She's my grandma too.If my wife is my grandmother,Then I am her grandchild.And every time I think of it,It simply drives me wild.For now I have becomeThe strangest case you ever saw.As the husband of my grandmother,I am my own grandpa!Dead Sea GullA father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand."Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"Poor PreacherAfter the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money.""Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?""Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."Thunderstorm CompanyOne summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug."I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice:"The big sissy."Going to DisneyLand"Hey Grandpa!, can you make a noise like a frog?""I think I can do that. Why?""'Cuz Dad says when you croak, we're going to Disneyworld"LettersDear Dad,$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love tohear from you.Love,Your $onThe Reply:Dear Son,I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never studyeNOugh.Love,DadWhy Parents Go GrayThe boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child'swhispered, "Hello?"Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home?"Yes", whispered the small voice."May I talk with him?" the man asked.To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?""Yes", came the answer."May I talk with her?"Again the small voice whispered, "no."Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child."Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"?"No, he's busy," whispered the child."Busy doing what?" asked the boss."Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?""A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice."What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:"They're looking for me."Top ten things you'll never hear a dad say.10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.1. What do I want for my birthday? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don't mean it)Read the LabelA three-year-old boy went with his father to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were 2 boy kitties and 2 girl kitties."How do you know?" his mother asked."Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, "I think it's printed on the bottom."Dad LinesI figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.Say what you will about healthy eating and all, but I've always found it awfully difficult to explain to my son (who's 6'4" to my 6' in height), why junk food is bad for you.One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who's Everything?I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.New and ImprovedThe little girl was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he read her a goodnight story. From time to time, she would take her eye's off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by shewas alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.Finally she spoke, "Granddaddy, did God make you?""Yes, sweetheart" he answered, "God made me a long time ago.""Oh she said," then "Granddaddy, did God make me too?""Yes, indeed honey" he assured her. "God made you just a little while ago.""Oh" she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it now isn't he?"Writing letters to sonThe following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny :One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad." A student's request for extra moneyA student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?""Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well howmuch did you give the boy this time?""Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000.""That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???""Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"Just cut your hair firstA young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car."Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and theyard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."The Right ChoiceMy 16-year-old brother, Ryan, was out late with friends one night. Suddenly he realized it was Father’s Day and he had neglected to buy a card for our dad. After much searching,Ryan located an open store, but was disappointed to find only two cards left on a picked-over rack. Selecting one, he brought it home and, somewhat sheepishly, presented it to our father.Upon opening it, Dad read this message: “You’ve been like a father to me.” He looked at Ryan, puzzled.“Well, Dad,” Ryan tried to explain, “it was either that or the card that said, ‘Now that I’m a father too!’” – Submitted by Anne CarlsonThanks for the Soda, Pop! Before I took the old family car to college, my father loaded the trunk with soft-drink bottles filled with oil, coolant and transmission fluid. Sure enough, my car overheated.Scolding myself for not listening to my father’s instructions, I looked at the engine and saw how well he knew me. The oil cap was labeled Dr Pepper, the transmission stick, Coke, and the empty coolant container, Diet Pepsi. I finished the trip safely. – Submitted by Charlotte G. AlexanderSay What, Dad? Our Gen-X daughter, Cristie, made my husband a Father’s Day card entitled “Things My Dad Would Never Say.” Such as:“Can you turn up that music?”“Go ahead and take my truck. Here’s 50 bucks for gas.”“I LOVE your tattoo. We should both get new ones.”“Here, you take the remote.” – Submitted by Deanna SchneiderWatch the Wash, Dad… I decided to make myself useful and do a load of the family laundry. When I took the clothes out of the machine, I discovered — to my dismay — that I had also washed the watch my wife had given me while we were dating. “Don’t expect me to replace it,” she said later with an obvious lack of sympathy. By the time Father’s Day rolled around, however, she had relented and gave me a beautiful new watch. Attached was a note with this stipulation: “DRY-CLEAN ONLY!” – Submitted by Paul DiblasiWhat a Card! Father’s Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son, Tyler, to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one.When I looked back, Tyler was picking up one card after another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which way. “Tyler, what are you doing?” I asked. “Haven’t you found a nice card for Daddy yet?”“No,” he replied. “I’m looking for one with money in it.”Papa Bear My husband’s cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears — one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. “See, Connor?” he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. “That’s Daddy.”Connor’s eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, “You used to be a bear?”Pop Vs. Pup While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn’t help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, “Now remember — run to Dad first, then the dog.”Paternal Payback On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat. “Why aren’t you sitting up front on the passenger’s side?” I asked.“Kirsten, I’ve been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl,” Dad replied. “Now it’s my turn to sit back here and kick the seat.”No. 1 on Our List — Literally! My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.
Source URL: https://free1image.blogspot.com/2011/06/fathers-day-jokes.html
Visit free image for daily updated images of art collection